My Alzheimer's Journal #7

Getting diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at age 38 was a bummer. Finding out my memory problems are the result of the onset of Alzheimer's was much worse. But last Friday I met a totally blind six to eight-year-old boy at St. Jude's Children's Hospital was balding from his chemo treatments and I decided I need to reflect a bit more on my many blessings.

I married well. My wonderful wife has stood by me through thick and thin and I love her more than words can express. We have three wonderful sons whom we adore. We also very much love our daughters-in-law, and we have been blessed with thirteen grandchildren who, like the kids in Lake Wobegone, are all above average.

I have enjoyed every job I've had and, for the most part, have had great bosses, colleagues, and mentors. Though I've had to cut back on things I used to enjoy like driving and officiating at weddings, I'm thankful that I'm still able to preach occasionally.

Connie and I love our doctor who is both a gerontologist and an intern. She is the doctor who diagnosed my Alzheimer's and unlike any other doctor we've ever had, I sure she would recognize us if she saw us outside of her office. She remembers things we tell her about our children and grandkids and she doesn't seem to rush through her time with us when we are in her office.

I'm thankful for our church. We get so many positive affirmations there. Though we could do better, I'm glad we worship in a multicultural church that seeks to serve "the least of these."

That's enough for now.

My Alzheimer's Journal #6

Don't have time to write much this morning. But just wanted to say that several people have asked me if my diagnosis of Alzheimer's has shaken my faith. As a pastor, I can understand the question because I have ministered to people whose faith was indeed shaken by a medical diagnosis.

But way back when I was 38 and first learned I had Multiple Sclerosis I actually felt my faith strengthened, and the same has happened now with my Alzheimer's diagnosis. Maybe the following quote will help explain it: 

"Jesus came to bring good news to the poor; not to those who serve the poor! I think we can only truly experience the presence of God, meet Jesus, receive the good news, in and through our own poverty, because the kingdom of God belongs to the poor, the poor in spirit, the poor who are crying out for love." -- Jean Vanier, founder of the L'Arche communities.

I found this quote in today's reading in "Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals>" After the quote above was this prayer:

"Lord, even the seraphim and cherubim hide their faces in your presence as they declare your praise. Help us mere mortals to humbly dethrone ourselves and bow before you, that in our weakness we might know your good news and forever sing your glory. Amen." 

Though I do complain about my memory loss to my wife, I somehow feel closer to God than ever before. Even with my lousy voice, I still sing God's glory.

My Alzheimer's Journal #5

Alzheimer's is so weird. As I mentioned in a previous post I could not remember my oldest grandchild's name the other day. And, especially in the evening, I often get confused when Connie or someone else is trying to explain something to me. That happened last night, but then, just 30 minutes later I was able to complete a crossword puzzle in record time. Truly I don't understand how that's possible.

I can tell that at times Connie gets exasperated or frustrated with me when I forget something important or don't understand what she is trying to tell me. And that pains me. I can remember things that happened long ago. I remember our best friends at the time of our marriage telling me they were so glad Connie and I got together because they did not like the rich Boston doctor she was seeing before me. Sometimes now I wonder if Connie made the wrong choice.

I struggle with depression a lot now. Connie suggested I ask our PCP to give me some drug to deal with it but I don't think that would do any good. I'm pretty sure I don't have clinical depression. I'm just sad that my brain is wasting away. I'm not suicidal but I admit there are times that I am jealous of friends or acquaintances who get ill and die relatively quickly from some cancer or heart disease. It took my mom and my aunt years to die from Alzheimer's and the last several years they were so frightened and confused and such a burden to their loved ones. I feel like I'm already a bit of a burden to Connie and I hate that.

That's all for now.

My Alzheimer's Journal #4

Yesterday was a very depressing day for me. I came to the realization that I was making too many mistakes due to my memory loss in interacting with the brides and grooms whose weddings I would be officiating. So I contacted Father Ken to let him know that after November of this year, I would no longer be able to work with the God Squad Wedding Ministers. I've been with them for almost 20 years and it brought me so much joy and satisfaction. But I didn't want to embarrass them or my brides and grooms by doing something stupid or forgetting something important.

Then last night I saw a funny meme on facebook that involved a humorous pun. So I copied it and when to send it to my oldest grandson who is an expert punster, only to realize that I could not remember his name. That devastated me. I had to look on his mother's page to find his name. He comes to our house all the time. He used to cut our grass before we moved into an HOA community.
But I couldn't remember my own grandson's name. The experience made me remember when my father put pictures of my brothers and I and our spouses and kids on the wall with labels explaining who we were to help my mother remember before we came to visit. I guess I'm about at that point now in this horrible disease.

I remember after my dad died of a stroke thinking that I wanted to go out like him. Go quickly. I hoped not to die like my mom who was so frightened and disoriented in the last year of her life. She got to the point where she not only did not know any of us, she didn't even know her own name. And now, knowing that is my own fate, well... it's very depressing. I remember how much caring for her took out of my dad, even though they were living in an assisted living community. Connie is not in the best of health and I worry about being a burden to her when I lose more of my cognitive ability.

That's all for today.

My Alzheimer's #3

I'm pretty sure my hearing problem is making my Alzheimer's worse. We got back from our trip to see our grandson graduate from Army boot camp on Saturday and then yesterday hosted a welcome home party for him. We had 19 people in our little house and with so many people talking at the same time my hearing aids can't discriminate the words I want to hear from all the background noise. So I miss a lot of what is being said. And working hard at trying to understand what people are saying literally wears me out.

I have, however, discovered one good thing about Alzheimer's. When watching an Agatha Christie mystery I have seen once or twice before, the surprise ending is still a surprise.

One of my most aggravating symptoms is not being able to say a word that I want to say. A couple of times I've resorted to pantomiming the word. Connie almost always knows what I mean when I do that. Yesterday I was talking to Connie about our trip and I wanted to say our grandson's name, I know what his name is but I couldn't get the word out, so I saluted and since we had just come from his boot camp graduation, Connie knew I was talking about Zach.  Another thing I have noticed is that the word I can't get out is almost always a noun.

In a few minutes, Connie will drive me to church so that I can spend time with my Stephen Ministry care receiver. I'm still able to be a Stephen Minister because most of what that entails is just listening.

That's all for now.

My Alzheimer's Journal #2

Years ago, when our first granddaughter was very little, Connie and I were still in our late 50''s. But we were definitely feeling our age and had begun to discuss things like living wills, advance care directives, etc. In one conversation about our future, I remember Connie saying, "I want us to live long enough to dance at Sissy's wedding. Sissy just turned 16. If my disease progresses at the rate my mon's did and if I'm still alive, I doubt I'll even know who Connie and Sissy are.

It seems weird to me that I can remember a conversation with Connie that took place at least 15 years ago, but I need to check my smartphone each morning to know what day it is.

In a couple of days, Connie and I will be going to Missouri to attend our grandson's graduation from Army boot camp. This will be the first time we have gone on a long trip when I won't be driving. I used to love driving. It was relaxing for me to drive on a long trip. But now, especially late in the day, I get confused by lots of stimuli. So if the traffic is heavy and Connie is telling me what exit to look for and semis are whizzing by, I'm so inundated by stimuli that I don't know what to do. And that too makes me feel guilty because Connie has always hated driving in heavy traffic and now she has to or we have to stay home.

That's all for now.

My Alzheimer's Journal #1

My wife has been after me for some time to keep a journal about my struggle with Alzheimer's.  Over the years I have tried journaling several times but always gave it up within a few days or weeks.  Hopefully, I'll do better this time.

I was diagnosed two years ago last month but I had suspected it for over a year before.  When I finally told my wife, she admitted that she had suspected it also and urged me to see the PA I usually went too.  He told me it was not his area of expertise and advised me to see a neurologist or gerontologist. I chose the latter.
Dr. Gouvia has been great and I've made her my PC doctor.

At the beginning of my treatment, she gave me Rx's for a couple of drugs that are supposed to slow down the dementia's inevitable toll. I didn't think it was working and the side effects were terrible so I stopped taking them.

My Alzheimer's seems really weird to me. I can still remember lots of things from my past. When my wife Connie is driving I can give her correct directions to a place we have not been to for years. But if I am driving, I will forget where and why I am going. If my wife is in the car with me, she will say something like, "Why did you turn here." And I will then have to respond, "I don't have a clue. Where are we going?" For that reason, I have stopped driving altogether recently.

It is harder for me to concentrate and follow conversations around me. I've stopped teaching Sunday School because what used to take a couple of hours now takes 5-8 hours and I often misunderstand or simply miss the comments of our class members. I'm still preaching, though it takes me two to three times longer to write a sermon now, I seem to be able to deliver it ok. I still practice it out loud every day for a week before I give the sermon, but I now have to rely on my notes more during my delivery of it. I am going to be very depressed when I can no longer preach.

Likewise for my weddings. Just this week, Connie and I met with two couples whose weddings I will be officiating in September and October. We had such a delightful time with each of them. But there was a time when I would be able to meet with them alone. Now I feel like I need Connie to be with me. If I forget to say something important, Connie brings it up, I add to it, and we go on. But again, I know the day is coming when I will no longer be able to do it. And that depresses me.

But what depresses me most of all is knowing that I will become a burden to Connie. I saw what my mother's dementia took out of my father and I hate the thought of doing that to Connie.

This may not look like much of a first effort at journaling, but it has taken me about four hours over two days to write it. I so wish I had my brain back.

St. Augustine and St. Jordan

“We imitate whom we adore.” --St. Augustine

"Admiring Jesus has been substituted for following him." --Clarance Jordan

These two quotes, unfortunately, are all too descriptive of much of American Christianity today. Admiring Jesus for an hour or two on Sunday morning but imitating, seemingly with adoration, the xenophobic and bigoted rhetoric of 45 the rest of the week.

My Response

I just heard a politician say that if you don't vote for candidates that support Trump, then you are not a Christian. This is my response. I know it is long, but you have to read to the end to get the full intent and effect. Please indulge me.

The Prophet Isaiah, quoting God, said: “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? --Isaiah 58:6-7

The Prophet Jeremiah said: This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or the widow., and do not shed innocent blood in this place. --Jeremiah 22:3

The Prophet Ezekiel said: The people of the land practice extortion and commit robbery; they oppress the poor and needy and mistreat the alien, denying them justice. --Ezekiel 22:29

The Prophet Amos said: This is what the LORD says: “For three sins of Israel, even for four, I will not turn back my wrath.  They sell the righteous for silver and the needy for a pair of sandals.  They trample on the heads of the poor as upon the dust of the ground and deny justice to the oppressed. --Amos 2:6-7a

The Prophet Micah said: My people, you have stolen the clothes right off the backs of your unsuspecting soldiers returning from battle, you take away the lovely homes that belong to the women of my nation. Then you cheat their children out of the inheritance that comes from the Lord. Get out of here, you crooks! You’ll not find rest here. You are not fit to belong to the Lord’s people, and you will be destroyed. --Micah 2:8-10

The Prophet Habakkuk said: You are doomed! You made your family rich at the expense of others. You even said to yourself, “I’m above the law.” But you will bring shame on your family and ruin to yourself for what you did to others. --Habakkuk 2:9-10

The Prophet Zechariah said: This is what the LORD Almighty said: “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.  Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor.” But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and covered their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the LORD Almighty was very angry. “When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen,” says the LORD Almighty. --Zechariah 7:8-10

The Prophet Malachi said: “So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me,” says the LORD Almighty. --Malachi 3:5

The Apostle James said: Listen, my dear brothers:  Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?  But you have insulted the poor.  Is it not the rich who are exploiting you?  Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court?  Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?  If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right.  But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. --  James 2:5-10

The Apostle John said: If anyone has material possession and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? --1 John 3:17

Jesus the Christ said:  "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' "They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life." --Matthew 25:31-46

Meanwhile, in America, conservative White Evangelicals are saying in effect, “If you don’t vote for politicians who support the agenda of our self-proclaimed pussy-grabbing former president who slept with a porn star and cheated on his wife when she was pregnant and who cheated thousands of working people out of money he owed them, then you are not a real Christian. Lord have mercy.

Quotes from the Saints and the Prophets

After reading some of my Trumpangelical aquaintances FB posts on this Sabbath day, I felt led to post a few quotes from the Biblical prophets and Early Church Fathers. Yes, I realize I've probably wasted my time since the Trumpangelicals apparently think much of the Bible and the probably all of the words of the saints are fake news.

You are not making a gift of your possession to the poor person. You are handing over to him what is his.
Ambrose of Milan, 340-397.

Isaiah 10:1-4 Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. What will you do on the day of reckoning, when disaster comes from afar? To whom will you run for help? Where will you leave your riches? Nothing will remain but to cringe among the captives or fall among the slain. Yet for all this, his anger is not turned away, his hand is still upraised.

The bread in your cupboard belongs to the hungry man; the coat hanging in your closet belongs to the man who needs it; the shoes rotting in your closet belong to the man who has no shoes; the money which you put into the bank belongs to the poor. You do wrong to everyone you could help but fail to help.
Basil of Caesarea, 330-370 A.D.

Isaiah 58:6-7 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

The bread in your cupboard belongs to the hungry man; the coat hanging in your closet belongs to the man who needs it; the shoes rotting in your closet belong to the man who has no shoes; the money which you put into the bank belongs to the poor. You do wrong to everyone you could help but fail to help.
Basil of Caesarea, 330-370 A.D.

Jeremiah 5:26-29 Among my people are the wicked who lie in wait like men who snare birds and like those who set traps to catch people. Like cages full of birds, their houses are full of deceit; they have become rich and powerful and have grown fat and sleek. Their evil deeds have no limit; they do not seek justice. They do not promote the case of the fatherless; they do not defend the just cause of the poor. Should I not punish them for this?” declares the LORD. “Should I not avenge myself on such a nation as this?

Not to enable the poor to share in our goods is to steal from them and deprive them of life. The goods we possess are not ours but theirs.
John Chrysostom, 347-407 AD

Ezekiel 22:29 The people of the land practice extortion and commit robbery; they oppress the poor and needy and mistreat the alien, denying them justice.

The rich are in possession of the goods of the poor, even if they have acquired them honestly or inherited them legally.
John Chrysostom, 347-407

Amos 8:4-7 Hear this, you who trample the needy and do away with the poor of the land, saying, “When will the New Moon be over that we may sell grain, and the Sabbath be ended that we may market wheat?”— skimping on the measure, boosting the price and cheating with dishonest scales, buying the poor with silver and the needy for a pair of sandals, selling even the sweepings with the wheat. The LORD has sworn by himself, the Pride of Jacob: “I will never forget anything they have done.

Share everything with your brother. Do not say, “It is private property.” If you share what is everlasting, you should be that much more willing to share things which do not last.
The Didache

Micah 2:1-2 Woe to those who plan iniquity, to those who plot evil on their beds! At morning’s light they carry it out because it is in their power to do it. 2 They covet fields and seize them, and houses, and take them. They defraud people of their homes, they rob them of their inheritance.

Christians love one another. They do not overlook the widow, and they save the orphan. The one who has ministers ungrudgingly to the one who does not have. When they see a stranger, they take him under their own roof and rejoice over him as a true brother, for they do not call themselves brothers according to the flesh but according to the soul.
Aristides, early 2nd century

Habakkuk 2:9-10 CEV You are doomed! You made your family rich at the expense of others. You even said to yourself, “I’m above the law.” But you will bring shame on your family and ruin to yourself for what you did to others.

How can I make you realize the misery of the poor? How can I make you understand that your wealth comes from their weeping?
Basil of Caesarea, 330-370 A.D.

Zechariah 7:8-10 And the word of the LORD came again to Zechariah: This is what the LORD Almighty said: “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor.” But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and covered their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the LORD Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the LORD Almighty was very angry. “When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen,” says the LORD Almighty.

Malachi 3:5 “So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me,” says the LORD Almighty.

When you are weary of praying and do not receive, consider how often you have heard a poor man calling, and have not listened to him.
John Chrysostom, 347-407